Reasons Why One Miracle on 34th Street is Far Superior

Generally, I am critical of remakes. They try too hard, they never have the magic of the first iteration, and I have to listen to my husband whine about how nothing is like it used to be, as though he were 86 and not 37. 

There are, of course, exceptions. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is a notable one, because who in their right mind would pick Gene Wilder over Johnny Depp? Yeah, yeah, Milwaukee's favorite son, whatever. Say "hold on" again, Johnny. 

The other biggie is Miracle on 34th Street from 1994, which is so much better than the 1947 version that they're basically different stories. 

So I poured myself a martini and made a list of allllll the reasons it is so much better while we watched it the other night. 

(Bonus game- see if you can see when I poured myself a second martini in this list!)

1.) Better music. 

2.) Better parade. 

3.) Warm Fuzzy 90s feelings. (This might be more just me. Quarantine has been hard y'all.)

4.) Bad ass women boss Elizabeth Perkins, rolling through town on a golf cart, handling things and putting out fires and wearing an amazing overcoat. 

5.) The overcoats in general. The outwear in this movie is on. point. 

6.) MARA WILSON. 

7.) REALLY. 

8.) That other girl was precocious and annoying. Mara Wilson is precocious and adorable.

9.) Apartments with fireplaces. 

10.) Dylan McDermott takes a break from playing creeps and plays a guy who is #dadgoals.

11.) Elizabeth what's-her-face has hair that glows from above like an angel. 

12.) Better beard-pulling reaction. 

13.) Deaf people better than Dutch people. No question. 

14.) The lounge/pajama sets deserve a medal of honor. 

15.) Allison Janney is a freaking national treasure. 

16.) Foley work is on point. I dare you to find a better movie for weird random noises in the background. 

17.) Drunk Santa is better than Weird Sad Kid Santa.

18.) Boys who arrange babysitters are HAWT.

19.) Christmas shopping is sexy and fun and not difficult and stressful and Elizabeth Whoever never yells "I TAKE CARE OF EVERYONE YOU JUST NEED TO PICK OUT YOUR PARENTS FOR HEAVENS SAKE GAAAAH I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE."

*ahem*

20.) THEY USE MY ENGAGEMENT RING. 

(Well, mine is smaller. But the same set up.)

21.) Mara Wilson pajamas at 46:44. I still want them.

22.) No gross gum like in the first one. 

23.) Slightly drunk Elizabeth Lady is like NO MAN CAN HANDLE ME and non creepy Dylan McDermott is like YAS QUEEN I'D NEVER PRESUME TO. 

24.) Real characters who feel things. 1947? Could have been populated by cardboard cut outs. 

25.)  Also who doesn't want a guy who can afford to give away an engagement ring because he's sad. 

26.) Okay generally the whole second half is superior because it's emotional and stirring and NY unites and is there anything we love more than NY uniting over something? I think not.  But specifically-

27.) 90s news= unmatched. 

28.) "Someone you care about. Someone you...believe in." CHILLS I TELL YOU. 

29.) "Undo haste in this case." Okay fine that line was in the 1947 version too but it's awesome. 

30.) Shines a light on the sad state of mental health facilities in this country. 

31.) Pretty shocking lack of judicial integrity. 

32.) The thought of all the stupid stuff my husband and I say to our children being brought out in court is electric and terrifying. 

33.) Church history professor being brought in, even if it's used to prove an incorrect point (optional memorial doesn't mean it's not important and yeah, Paul VI did a bunch of crap. We don't need to like all of it.)

34.) "A lie that draws a smile? Or a truth that draws a tear?" CHILLLLLLLLSSSSSSSS

35.) Jesus saves the day instead of a bored NY postal worker.  Duh. Better. 

36.) Okay the leaving of the small child in bed to run down to church is questionable. But once again, the fantastic outerwear and gorgeous architecture make it okay. 

37.) Getting married in a church by a priest (I think...it's one of those Hollywood churches where there's no tabernacle but everything is Catholic because it's recognizable as a church.) 

38.) I'm feeling romantic so I'll allow the shocking lack of marriage prep. 

39.) Also better because the mom wasn't necessarily ever married to the dad so she could have gone to confession and wasn't getting remarried thus not spreading scandal. (Looking at you, 1947.)

40.) Much better house at the ending. 

41.) OKAY PROBLEM THAT LADY IS HELLA OLD SHE DID NOT GET PREGNANT ON NIGHT ONE. Signed, an also hella old woman who can't get pregnant. 

42.) Once again, the 90s decor proves that overstuffed does not have to be over fussy. 

43.) Daphne from Frasier. 

In conclusion. Better music. Better coats. Better houses. Better ending. No scandal. 

I rest my case.